First rule of pills: If you can't remember what it is, take half.
he saw my emergency pass-out-in-the-bathroom-after-drunken-puking cot in the bathroom.
he opened up his "box of magic": a crusty tube of KY jelly, three expired condoms, a fingertip vibrater, and a jar of marshmallow fluff.
She uses my penis to point at the tv when we talk about the shows. I love her
I just stole a conducting baton from the chicago symphony orchestra... i have to stop drinking on weeknights
I cannot be this high in this house. This house has so many of my secrets in its walls.
She found my wedding ring, sallowed it and wished me good luck explaining it to my wife before walking out. Now what?
trust me, you don't know shame until you're in a peacock costume getting CPR by random dudes
YOU'RE FORCING ME TO BLOW A GUY BY NOT ANSWERING MY CALLS
My Instagram consists mostly of drag queens and people who dress up as power rangers... I'm pretty sure I'm an unclassified category of gay
Can you rollerblade?
No, why?
Honestly, I was high and picturing us roller blading together. I wanted to see if I could make my dreams a reality.
Well, I'm hung over and my penis hurts - two signs of success
I should not be this drunk in a place where a girl is wearing a princess dress
this potential sugar daddy just sent me a photo of him butt naked in the woods saying he wants to "grow our spirits together." so i think i found us a new drug dealer!
The guy I slept with in AZ just called and is moving here next week.
Randomize
