Omg. Never. Take a laxative the day you are going on. A date.
if you google earth my address you can see me getting out of my car. finally my moment of being famous
im stripping for him via video chat, but the sound is turned off cause his students are taking a test
No. I want to vom filet mignon and ziti bits everywhere and my body feels like I ran a cock triathalon. I feel less triumphant and more like death.
nothing says "you're fucked" like watching a movie with the family and a handle of vodka comes crashing down from your hiding spot in the ceiling tiles.
I resisted the temptation to hold the cake in one hand to alternate bites with the ruffles I was eating. I decided that might make me look dysfunctional.
So the crazy cock blocking bitch sent her a picture of her boobs using MY phone and said: he's busy at the moment
Do pleather leggings scream im easy on a first date?
So I got lost trying to find you guys and ended up proposing to a bride in a bachelorette party with a condom.
all my money is vodka money
I have never read a truer sentence.
Just bought weed from the ice cream man. The kid in front of me got a tootie fruitie.
I think I freaked him out last night. We got back to my place and I made chicken nuggets, chicken Alfredo, and half of one of those huge oreida hashbrown bags. And then ate all of it
I just sneezed glitter I JUST SNEEZED G LITTER I j u st SneeZED GLIT TER I DO NOT HAVE TIME FOR THIS AT ALL.
Discovery: there is a folder in my pictures labeled "Your Name and cats"
I take Paypal, cash, sexual favors, and roasted red potatoes with garlic as payment. You choose.
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