Just soaked up some whiskey with a paper towel and then squeezed it into a cup for consumption. New low.
Sometimes I wish there were a little bird hiding that would periodically go, "creep-per."
and then you made a playlist that was just "party in the usa" on repeat...
There's a walmart bag of my vomit outside my front door. I just really need someone to appreciate that with me.
Why did that cocktail waitress get to sleep with Tiger for 2 years, and all I ever got for living in Whorelando for five years is a couple of pictures with Joey Fatone
i thought i was the drunkest one there til some girl puked in the tip jar.
he doesnt exactly give off the "im mature enough to use my penis" vibe
It got a little outta hand when you wanted to do body shots on the table.. at Dennys.. at 4 AM.. with lemonade
I know it's not standard practice to meet the couple you donate to, but i'm curious as to what kind of people saw my picture and said, we want that girl's eggs
Just found out they make medicinal lollipops, bought like 40 of them. Gonna go fill a pediatricians lollipop bowl.
it's only monday and im already failing all my classes. i give up. tequila tuesday is my only friend.
six ambien and a bong later...he was calling me blueberry princess who need rescuing from the evil oven, and he was sir Eatsalot.
He got kicked out 3 times. I have no idea how he kept getting back in. I saw him walking on the highway the next morning.
For the record you're an amazing lay and you have great taste in breakfast sandwiches
I just said "you do you" to my penis.
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