guess who came home with a hottie last night
Def drugged
Does it count as a shower if I just sat in the tub singing I'm a Little Teapot?
Dude you can't like a status about me getting hit by a car
She sent me a text saying she picked out 17 different Halloween costumes for our kids when they hit the age of 4... The cling factor should have me running right now but honestly I'm just curious
The meeting is at the same hotel we go to for sex. Avoiding eye contact with all the staff there.
Everytime I am with a guy I hope his penis is as big as yours. It never is. Thanks for setting that bar.
I think god is proud of me so he is rewarding me in discounted wine
ugh he was not leaving in the morning so i tried to scare him by crying and saying i wasnt ready to lose my virginity.
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
I want to name my colorful bowl Batman. Why? I still have yet to figure it out. But I'm calling it Batman.
I just realized in a weird reversed way I hustled a stripper last night
We need a hype man... Like a DMX type dude to just up the ante constantly...
Just found out that my name comes from part of my mom's old stripper name.
Hungover on St. Patrick's Day. I did this backwards.
I just don’t understand what sort of USPS worker wants to take my unitard and sex toys.
Randomize
