I wish there was an iPhone app to help you with your shitty personality.
anyone who says 'i love you' and then followed by 'im going to call the cops if you touch me' doesnt really mean the first part fyi
I actually had no interest in him until he started talking about his 4 arrests. That made him go from a 5 1/2 to a 8, easily.
I think it's safe to say me, swords and vodka can never be aloud in the same room again.
It'll be like the burning bush except without moses and with pubes.
you just stood there spinning and got mad if anyone tried to stop you
Oh my god, I am the best RA ever. I'm teaching my freshman girls how to deep throat on bananas as a group bonding activity. I'm making the religious ones eat them for potassium.
a kid puked on the floor and instead of, you know, cleaning it they cut a square out of the carpet with a boxcutter and threw it outside
he was inside of, then got up said "we don't want you having a baby," grabbed his car keys and left. so now i'm just sitting on his bed, wondering if he's coming back.
Come get me...we were walking home and she kept yelling "people need to get run over more!" then she just sat down in the middle of the street saying "it just feels right."
First time for everything: started posting a Facebook comment, decided I'm not quite sober enough. Progress.
I just gate-crahed a party and met a state senator, so I had an interesting afternoon jog.
It's a long story, but I accidentally peed on my dog. I'll tell you about it tomorrow, and we shall never tell my wife.
Not my fault people bought me shots. waving a shot in my face is like waving a cock in yours
How did your walk of shame include a trip to Walmart and how did you bump into the cop that arrested you last night there?
Randomize
