I want to give you a handjob with my mouth.
so after the bed broke we walked out of the room to a standing ovation
Me + Nice restaurant + Copious amounts of booze + obscene comments to couples = valentine's day plans
You have to understand, this is the first time I'm looking at a whopper sober.
Check that he is NOT ok. He just heated up SoCo and used it as syrup on his pancakes.
When I was in the bathroom and wiped with a paper towel I found in the trashcan, I realized that this might be the reason I have a yeast infection.
She thinks I should try and corrupt him and take his virginity. While I do love virgins, I'm a little too lazy to put in the corruption effort right now. That's a summer kinda job.
i was drunk enough to give the cab driver my number when he said "you talk like you like guys"
Apparently drunk me thought it was time for a career change. I woke up with a message from Mcdonalds saying that I was hired as the new cashier.
Im going to bed. I'm seeing 7 of everything and my world smells like gravy
Why was I lying under a truck last night?
I'm running late...how do you explain period shits to your boss?
Pretty sure keeping my vibrator in the same drawer with the weed makes it work better. I fall asleep almost immedi
i smell like vinegar and tequila i can feel the old people behind me judging
Can I come over?
Sorry I gave up dick for lent. Hit me up on Good Friday tho
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