mutual masturbation is only cool if cash money records is involved.
last night i was so high that when a homeless person asked me for a dollar, i responded: dolla dolla bill ya'll.
Dad's drunk, trying to hook me up with a 43yo, and keeps saying one and done. Mom is on the verge of tears and disowning us. You missed a good birthday dinner.
I asked her to make me water, which in turn meant get me a glass. She handed me a cup of microwaved ice cubes.
you seemed to enjoy falling down hill
wow, never heard the last few months of my life put so succint
I kinda wanna eat your hands right now.
Put down the everclear and go to bed.
Public service announcement: if you would like to continue receiving blow jobs, a 25% increase in fuck-giving will be expected immediately, and you're expected to give an actual flying fuck at least once a week. Brought to you by the ad council.
Just did coke off of a cross necklace and am headed to the strip club. Happy Easter!
on a brighter note, the cop thought i could kick adams ass if it came down to that and said he had $20 on me if it ever happens
Ugh contemplating vodka and chocolate protein powder as this Capri sun and vodka isn't really cutting it
She has "Massive Shits" listed as a turn off. That's very specific and there's a story behind it I bet.
Sweet, got a date tomorrow night
then she lifted her dress, tweaked her own nipples, and then ordered another round for everyone. this place is wild at 9pm.
yeah, you could tell they werent used to the strange things that i say. they were all outright shocked when i told one guy i hoped someone kidnapped him and stretched his dickhole over a fire hydrant
Is there like a dick file on me? Guys can't hold two dicks anymore?! Who are you people????
Dude just walked up to me, gave me his number and said, if this number ever calls its my penis,better keep that one handy. I cant lie its the best pick up line ever, im calling his penis.
Randomize
