there is cereal in my wallet where all the cash used to be.
you wouldn't stop saying "oil can" in the tin man voice until I gave you back your flask
I definitely didn't wake up this morning thinking "i wanna get gang banged today"
I'm handcuffed to your bathroom sink. Save me.
I think it's safe to say taking shots on the way to the emergency room was rock bottom. We're going to need to think of ways to top that between now and next new years eve...
What's the sex policy on a school bus? Because I dibs back seat.
Sex allowed. Dress code is neon and obnoxious.
We are gonna die. I wanna enforce the "no jumping out of moving vehicles" policy. And how are we gonna get a school bus through mcdonalds drive thru?
I'm pretty sure there a million tiny ninjas in my uterus poking me with sticks.
A guy just grabbed my balls before he shook my hand because he thought he knew me.
Who looks around on a bright, sunny day and says, "you know what? Today I'm going to write gay dinosaur erotica"
He brought me flowers and then spanked me with a Doctor Who paddle. Pretty good night, as these things go.
Awwwwwww!
It's gotten to the point that I'm pretty sure I'm going to need to be legally drunk before I enter the voting booth this year.
I am officially in a love triangle with my celebrity crush
I wish period tracker had a "on this day" also so i can see who i was with this day last year.
you asked if you could borrow my vagina for the night
We couldn't find her anywhere. Finally, I saw her sitting in my bathroom floor spraying hair mouse into her mouth and whispering "I fucking love whipped cream." WHAT DID YOU GIVE HER AND CAN I HAVE SOME?
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