i wish i could swallow nair and shit it out and it would get rid of all my ass hair.
All I know is that if a letter starts with "I'm aware you jerked off in the bathroom last night," I don't want to finish reading it.
We're friends with people in his circle of friends so we're half way in. It's like I've already given him a hand job.
Just a heads up, the coffee pot is filled with Jager.
I'm not wearing underwear, I started my period this morning, and it's super windy. Recipe for disaster?
There was a sweat stain in the shape of a fast chick with low standard on your bathroom floor
My feelings are currently in a sea of vodka and "I don't give a shit"
Aren't they always?
I happen to have lost a black t-shirt and the volume button from my phone last night. If anyone finds it. You know what to do.
My usual answer of have sex with it doesn't work in this situation
Why is there a chocalet milkshake outside our front door?
Alcohol
My mom is selling her car. I'm secretly relieved I won't ever have to tell her about that time you puked in it
It's not your birthday unless mom picks you up at the bar
I didn't want to leave, I wanted to move into his ass
I will take a ruler to your dick so help me god
He was married to his college girlfriend for 20 years. Just give him the blow job he’s been fantasizing about since last century and he’ll be wrapped around your little finger
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