apparently went to arby's at 2:30am banging on the windows for someone to make me a "beefy"
community service is like the breakfast club... except we're all the criminal.
After you puked you called ur mom and told her you fucked on her bed, then u said "Have a good night mommy!" hung up and passed out on my couch
that would explain 17missed calls and 3 very angry voicemails from her
I drank almost a whole fifth last night. Woke up with blood everywhere wearing a "stereotype this" tshirt. How fitting
His penis was definitely too big to be the type that wants commitment. Shit.
Do you know who the random guy who just walked in to kiss me goodnight is?
Shaving my legs with an ankle monitor on is surprisingly more difficult than the drunk driving that got me here
We play this game where we catch up on what we missed over five years of not talking to eachother, then we have sex like nothing ever happened.
Whoever put the rooster in the elevator is my fucking hero. Who even thinks of that shit?
Mainly I just wanna pet bunnies. And purple chicks. Well any color chicks if I close my eyes. But purple if I open them.
So, I'm about to take my pants off in the Walmart parking lot, when am old lady parks next to me. I'm all the way in the back next to the semis. What the hell?
Just saw the mall santa roll by on a rascal scooter holding a chic-fil-a milkshake and stop to chat up trio of cute 20-somethings. New hero.
My gynecologist just said "don't worry, this won't be as hard as…well…" A FUCKING SEX JOKE NO
I am descending into that finals week rage fueled by ramen, mountain dew and bad sex is what's up.
I just want my kids to know I fucked some really hot dudes before their father.
You're going to scar your kids
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