i don't know her name but she is cooking me brkfst then helpin me find my car.
she hot?
i don't wanna talk about it
just bought miller high life, hungry man dinners, and a bottle of lube. you win life, you win.
I kinda knew it wasnt going to pan out when he would rather watch how i met your mother ON TIVO than fuck me......
is the shake weight an appropriate valentine's day present?
The kid taped his penis down so that he wouldn't get a boner while dancing with girls. Oh these middle school man whores never cease to amaze me.
he left me a note this morning. it said "thank you for letting me touch you"
You've slept with me you know how lazy I am in bed.
I answered the door to some Jehovah Witnesses hungover and wearing nothing but a white tshirt. I think they made it the church goal to reform me, we've gotten four pamphlets. My mom's going to make me convert if they keep coming.
... Already stepped in vomit and got a dirty look from a fat in a neck brace
I made it with a guy dressed as Mitt Romney. I told him "you can't have my vote, but you can have my body"
Your mom won me $100 and you showed me your tits. Solid evening.
I just took what could be the most awkward shit in my life, which considering my definition of awkward and my experiences shitting, is pretty fucking awkward.
...
I was sitting there doing my business and the guy in the stall next to me banged on the stall and asked me how to spell picnic because he wasn't sure.
You pole danced in your parka.
Is he gonna be my crazy ex? Cause we weren't even together for as long as my weeklong bicurious lesbian relationship.
Just found a pair of vomit-soaked socks in my purse, three days after the party... Now I know why my wallet was wet.
Randomize