I am a bulletproof tiger!
Haha. Nice, be careful tonight.
I'm gonna have to get my windshield replaced. Is the keg beat?
oh wait, my morality sensor is a little fucked up since I almost let my little sister's friend blow me.
Apparently when he woke up I was tripping my face off. Everytime the cat meowed I would meow back. This went on for several hours.
I just googled "buy xanax online". What is wrong with my life?
People are handing out olympic condoms downtown, just put it on and it broke, this is how there trying to raise the population. Very sneaky canadian government, very sneaky
At least you weren't that one girl in the bar that was letting everyone draw on her in sharpie. Worst decision I've ever witnessed.
Just woke up with three stitches in my left boob. Nevertheless, I think I'm going to like this school.
He looked at me and said "Last call" before putting his penis away into his boxers
i'm pregaming while finishing a paper on cardio myocyte contractility in mice. i'm kicking finals week's ass right now
Thats the worst face I've ever seen you make an I've seen you throw up in your own hair.
The background of my phone is you taped to the wall wearing a cowboy hat
Just for future questioning, I didnt break up with you over text
Now I get the fucking shakes every time I hear I'm Sexy And I Know It. Thanks, Captain Morgan.
Just watched a guy get through airport security with a full bottle of captain morgan. In my head the entire airport cheered.
You know, I think I'm going to rock the shit out of this whole mid-twenties thing. Fuck babies and weddings -- I have vodka and young cock.
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