I went to the gynecologist and they said, "you're the most fun person we've ever had," and i thought, "that's exactly why i'm here!"
I finally beat you i just fucked my professor last night!!!\n\n
sry, psychiatrist trumps professor
today i learned why jack sparrow loved rum so fucking much
Wow. He pulled out his dick and I swear I heard a thud from it hitting the floor.
I woke up and he was just feeling up my stomach. I felt like buddha and he was rubbing my belly for good luck. never again.
A man bought two 40's from me, then asked if I had duct tape. How do people over 50 know about Edward 40hands? It was very weird.
There is nothing quite so pathetic as sitting in bed in your underwear eating easy mac in complete silence, waiting for Netflix to load
When did it become normal to wake up in the middle of the night to take a group bathroom break and have a 10 minute discussion on where the next football game is?
ETSY JUST SENT ME AN EMAIL WITH THE SUBJECT "SUMER ROMANCE" I'M BEYOND FUCKING DONE
After we hooked up, his roommate shouted "I LIKE TO HAVE SEX TOO" from across the apartment
Oh no. Did you guys fuck on my pull out couch?
I swear to go if the response she sends me something along the lines of who the fuck is Mark Hamill I might need to brake up with her.
I think I got a sinus infection from puking out my nose on st. Patricks day #thisis26
Nobody likes ball hair. Not even gay dudes
Dude she is fucking shit up. Her baby would be proud
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