my mom just informed me that i masturbate loudly
If I would have known that wiping my dick on her pillow would have caused her to leave........
I was blowdrying my hair this morning and I swear to god it smelled like franzia
I just wiped my face with a slice of bread. Lowest point of the night.
Being at this bar with grandma is a real cockblocker
Being invited to eat tater tots at 1:30am by a rly hot girl then actually only eating tater tots is a major let down. Tasty, but still a let down
Exactly. Motivated vaginas are the best kind of vagina
Bring scissors.....i think im gonna have to be cut out of this damn jockstrap
Dude true life I died at the derby...I lost everyone I knew, went down a bourbon and mud slip and slide, lost my hat, fell off the roof of a porta potty, sprained my ankle and knee and then got arrested.
I guess she was just worried I'd end up sleeping with you again
It's not too late to disappoint her you know...
Where was Alyssa when you were sniffing the bouncer?
Passed out on some guy who looked like someone from Duck Dynasty.
it is basically gonna be an ugly Christmas sweater rave
I slept with six men with different nationalities this week. Who says I'm not a woman of culture?
I have mastered the art of having sex on monkey bars.
Sorry I missed your call. I was in the shower washing away my sins and sweat. Please tell me you want to get drunk as shit later.
Randomize