Eating a girl out that was just in the ocean does not make her taste like saltwater taffy
i would only ever fuck harry potter if he was on a broomstick.
dude she snuck out while I was still sleeping then was banging on the door 10 minutes later cuz her car was brokedown. how was I suppose to recognize her??
like we started out all organized and composed and within thirty mins people were throwing up in the bushes, arguing over a beer bong and jumping in the pool with their clothes on
i feel like god sat there all night pointing and laughing at me
i dont know what was worse.. snorting the wasabi or puking on the neighbors dog
I swear she's a drunk klepto...by the end of the night she had stolen 3 bowling balls. HOW DO YOU STEAL 3 BOWLING BALLS?
I think they took out their livers years ago and replaced them with like cheese graters or something. Only explanation.
I just crashed on my couch and have no intention of ever getting up again
I will be over with a bedpan and beer
I drank enough to tranq a steed. You really missed out
I was woken up at 6 am by a second grader trying to give me a sweatshirt for a pillow
Your ability to whip out your dick and take a pic anytime I text you is startling.
We grabbed as many adult diapers as we could and made a run for it.
FUCKIN BIRDS ARE CHIRPING AT 4 IN THE MORNING. THE SUN ISN'T RISING YET MOTHERFUCKERS, GO BACK TO YOUR NESTS.
It was just a hint of nipple. I kept it classy!
Do you even hear yourself?
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