Either these are mashed potatoes in my pants, or I was drunker than I thought.
somethin' about having sex in my parents bed makes me feel like l'm finally an adult.
Whoa. I woke up to 10 new text messages. All about bacon.
i need you to babysit me first week back at school. havent had tequila, adderal, or sex w randoms in 3 months
I just drank til 6am then boned a 32 yr old that looks exactly like ET. Oh god.
Yeah like 200 white people came and they are playing that one Biggie Smalls song everyone knows.
Dont get mad at me, it takes two to tango
IT TAKES ONE TO EJACULATE INTO THE OTHER WITHOUT CONSENT, AND SPOILER ALERT, ITS THE ONE WITH A SCROTUM FULL OF SEMEN.
You said you were uncomfortable with your body and then you started making whale noises
Whoever roofied me last night owes me a new pair of white jeans
It's 10:15 on a Wednesday night and my dick is covered in pop rocks. How's your Wednesday going?
I just noticed that pic of your cock has a Christmas tree in the background. It's July.
I am googling "notable people who had syphilis"
all i want in life is a shot and a cock is that too much to ask
Just come home. We will have sex and Taco Bell. I'm feeling wild, I put on temporary tattoos.
Last night was fun. Sorry I slipped out before you woke up
Also, your parents get up REALLY early. Please thank them for the bagel and travel mug of coffee. Happy Thanksgiving!
Randomize
