if i hurry i can finally have sex while stoned off my ass
godspeed.
she just refered to her hymen as "the mrs"
his recent searches consisted of "World record for not bathing" and "Miley Cyrus vs Taylor Swift". Not even i am that desperate.
Dont judge me. He may have been ugly but he was INCREDIBLE. He's like the Susan Boyle of sex.
He came on my chin and called me cumbledore. i give up.
I am wearing two different shoes and just swallowed my gum. Wake the fuck up and bang the bartender already.
Rick Santorum just suspended his campaign. Lets celebrate by watching gay pornography together.
MANGO MOTHERFUCKING GODDAMN MARGARITA DELICIOUSNESS
I'm not trying to be dramatic but if someone makes you choose between getting a Brazilian or dying. For the sake of your sanity just fucking die
I will never understand why the dress to get laid party is always scheduled to be during family weekend. Its not even ironically funny.
I saw your relationship status and wanted to write "Now you can fuck with some peace of mind that she isn't giving that other guy she met online a handjob."
We duck taped Dave to a rolling chair and shoved him in the bed of the truck then took off for a bit.. We didn't explain it that way when the nurse asked what happened though.
It's not even 8 pm, or Saint Patrick's Day, and Kevin is drunk on my roof humping the air
my mom asked me why i was covered in scratches, blood, and dirt this morning..i answered "i was planking obviously" and walked away
Maybe for you. You don't have to clean the melted butter off the stove. I LOST THE SPECIAL SEASONINGS.
Randomize