I always have to poop after I paint my nails. It never fails.
There's nothing like puking in the airport on the way TO Vegas. Something tells me i pregamed a little too hard.
At least I wasn't still dressed as a bottle of dom perignon when they took me to the ER
Fuckbuddy couldn't meet, so she's trying to find a substitute to come fuck me. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
and my attempt at hiding my drunkness from my parents included walking into the wall as soon as they let me into the house.
Just found my old bop it. So many drinking game possibilities
Its what happens when I drink whiskey in a sweater. It makes me feel mature and ponderful.
she was literally 3 feet away from the garbage can, said she couldn't make it, and then proceeded to vomit on the floor in front of everyone in the restaurant
i should probably stop thinking with my vagina, and start using that $70, 000 education i can't afford. what the fuck.
I agreed not to hook up with any randoms while she's on vacation, if that isn't a show of good faith then I don't know what is...
Yelling at the starbucks lady to write Beyoncé on my cup
Guess who just made out with Sloth from The Goonies!
Who knew sons of strippers would be really feminist boyfriends?
As soon as he called me 'darling' in that Scottish accent... my pants just dropped.
I threw a lamp at you?
Yes, yes you did.
Awesome
Randomize
