The shirt is mine, the pants are mine, the bra not so much
dont worry your back hair reminds me of angel wings
well he's currently spooning the coffee table
Just used "I used to work as an inflatable toy operator" as a pick up line. Freshman frenzy is great...
You asked her to play "the coma game" with you while hooking up, and then passed out in her bed. She couldn't wake you up so she slept on the floor.
Looks like I won that one
Ya I painted "STOP TRYING ANAL" on her headboard. I'm sick of listening to her whine through the wall and bitch the next day.
he congratulated me on my ability to grow long hair after pulling it to see if i had extensions
Right now, there's some ten year old kid getting ready to go outside and play basketball. He will soon find out his basketball hoop was no match for my car.
Swish.
When you pick me up at the airport, please have some sort of drugs on hand.
Seriously??? You send me boob shots with your husband and kids in them???
I told him the only reason I'd sleep with him is if we have a threesome because I'll need moral support
My skirt was too short for the church and I brought my flask to the Scrooge play. God bless us, everyone!
You can't do wine Netflix and blow jobs in the bed you've had since 5th grade with your parents downstairs
He grabbed my tits and sang "you are so beautiful" to them before faceplanting into my chest
i just turned on my printer and found 10 pounds of german chocolate inside. i think i found where you hid your candy last night
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