And then I said "flip over. I want to show you something i learned in Afghanistan."
Just did my hair and make up at mcdonalds so we're in the same boat.
as she was beating the hell out of his ex, she screamed prison rules, and smashed her head with a beer bottle. I'm oddly afraid yet so attracted to her now.
I was tripping balls on the bathroom floor and his dog walked in. The lights in his bathroom have motion sensors, so I thought his labrador retriever was Jesus.
Passed out in a rocking chair on her porch. Woke up to the tow truck taking away my car.
I can't. I will literally throw up my liver
Why dont you be an ebola patient for halloween? You can totally throw up and itll be part of your costume.
I pulled my bra out of my dress and handed it to my mom..at cocktail hour during the wedding.
you shall refer to me as my indian name from now on...running with dumb cunts
I drunk dialed my ex-boyfriend last night. He was sitting next to my new boyfriend. Shoot me in the face.
Thats not what we're looking for. I want this kid to suck a lolly pop out of a stripper's snatch.
If you've never been partying there before, take Shae with you. Drunk Shae is like a GPS. She found us the only bottle shop still open at four, a pot dealer, and told us all which subway to take to get home. She'd never been to Madrid before. It was awesome.
Because I was drunk or stoned for 4 days. I either made terrible decisions or none at all.
I either forgot underwear this morning or lost them at work and I seriously don't know which.
After a crazy night, morning sex is just trying to find a position where you can thrust without getting seasick.
I don't think I'm ever gonna need a boyfriend again. I have a body pillow, a vibrator, and I'm strong enough to open my own jars.
Randomize
