I wont touch it. I promise i wont touch it. JUST GET UNDER THE DAMN TABLE PLEASE.
You really need to tell him that he has a girlfriend. I'm not sure he knows
oh god all I remember is forward rolls down the corridor and all I have to show for it is "fit Romanian guy" saved in my phone
Dont act like I'm the only one that gets on a plane and picks out the one im gonna have fuck if we have time before the crash
Nothing gets you judged faster than having cum in your hair at the gas station.
PLEASE. I won't throw up on the floor this time. Or fuck in the bathroom. Or dance on the pool table. So PLEASE.
Impromptu road trip to New Orleans for four days of Mardi Gras. I'll probably be alive and back for Valentine's Day plans, probably won't stick my dick in some random either-might be using my free pass you cheating asshat. Love you. Expect random texts & probably a drunk dial or twelve. You did this to yourself. You're not invited so don't bother. Have fun at work.
His gf just liked my changed relationship status. She's gonna shit bricks when she finds out he left her for me. Bless her little heart.
I just sneezed and margarita mix and ash came out of my nose. I love jersey
I behisseth at your soul from the deepest darkest depths of the earth
TRY TO UNDERSTAND I HAVE MAGIC POWERS HOLY FUCKING SHIT
I have never in my life been turned down for sex until this weekend.
Welcome to my everyday.
She was talking about how a garden gnome was hitting on her the whole night. We thought she was just that high, but turned out the gnome was that guy in the weird hat.
I broke my wrist trying to give him a blow job...
And this is why we can’t have nice things
cinco de mayo stole my toenail
cinco de mayo stole my virginity.
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