i lost my phone in the process of getting a condom out of my hair
She is a social worker. An actual good person trying to save the world. I feel like every time I give her an orgasm God wipes a little smudge off of my shit list.
I've slowly been stuffing french fries down his pants. I'm at 31 and he hasn't even noticed.
So essentially hes paying me $150k/year for the rest of his career to not have sex
SERIOUSLY? WTF! why cant I find a super hot, super gay, super conservative christian NFL player in need of a beard?
I dunno. It's not as good as 'devourer of cocks' but I suppose few things are.
I'm lying here drinking water from a shot glass..moving is not an option right now
Morning yack off the fire escape. Girl walking by was mortified. Gooooooooo Ducks!!
I want to be you.
What an age we live in that I can try to pick up a guy by using my phone while I'm taking a shit at work.
Being the only woman in a triathlon group - it's a penis paradise.
Went to a wedding reception last night, came home with a Christmas tree and the rest of the keg
do you want to shower with me?
only if we can drink the jungle juice while we shower
I'm in my math teacher's garage hiding right now because I fucked his son last night. It's fine
You know it was a good night when you wake up w/o a shirt in someone elses living room next to a pancake on a spoon in a bowl of spaghetti.
God I need to hump something, right now.
You waddled all the way home with your shoes in a construction cone. I'm glad to call you my Bestfriend.
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