sitting in my room eating a boneless rib tv dinner, and listening to taylor swift's love story, and i sharted. had to finish the ribs and hear the end of the song before i went to the bathroom to wipe.
Best walk of shame ever - Brown Hennesy shirt, bright blue overly large basketball shorts, stilettos from night before - ended up buying a ton of 40's and a 30 pack of coors.
Where are you?
A place I should not be.
where am i from again
You drank almost the entire bottle of everclear and wanted to walk around. I guess your best friends sister is a cop and you wanted her to arrest you like the lil wayne song.... so sorry dude.
new years resolution, not be in jail at midnight for 3rd year in a row.
I just got licked by a stripper, not so great anymore.
He got me coffee AND filled up my gas tank. He must've fucked another girl in my car..
It's 9am. I'm four lines ahead of you already. Wake up.
3 for 3 on getting girls who say "yolo" at the bar to have anal. Not the motto I live by, but it has changed my life.
Erry day erry day!
Hey, if I'm gonna bastard a child and ruin his life, I'm going balls out.
Didn't have the heart to tell him that while he was eating my ass I was laughing, not moaning, into the pillow
The moment I said this burrito on my nuts feels really good is the moment I knew I was drunk
FUCK IM ABOUT TO GET A DICK PIC IN THE LIBRARY
I hate being the first one to text him all the time...I feel like Iook desperate to get laid when the reality is that im just really horny and he has a/c...
Fucking hate kids. In particular I hate our kids.
Randomize
