Be sure to let me know if your relationship crumbles so I can resume hitting on you
Just did a line with a monopoly bill. Tell me I'm not fancy.
Just saw someone buying TWO six packs of O'Doul's. WHY ??
dude i woke up to her making a statue of my morning wood for her sculpture class. HOW THE FUCK do you think i feel about her?
10 dollar pizza all the toppings you want. Wait Until You See This Pizza
just spent the last 4 hours covering his room in sticky notes. Viva Drunk Thursdays.
Is "you left your socks here, please come get them" a good way of saying "come fuck me?"
I went in to wake you up this morning and you had a condom draped across your throat like a necklace. There were no boys in the house last night, what were you doing?
Also just throwing this out there I don't think anyone who brings another girl back to your bed to share with you can qualify as a frigid bitch
Definition of cool: he wants a back tattoo of three horses running through a "paisley explosion"
How did he even become this person? Like what drugs has he done??
Hey Cat, it's Michael. You made out with me for a hot dog last night and I feel super used.
valentines day is a day for loved ones to share. So me and my vibrator. Happy holidays.
I woke up naked wrapped in a wolf blanket on the bathroom floor
No, he came home, unscrewed all of the lightbulbs, and threw them in the sink.
Nobody on Tinder wants to give you a Blumpkin.
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