I just woke up with a girl who has left and right tattoed on her wrists. In french. I may need to stop drinking.
Yah, I definitely wouldn't wanna be fingered with a fake arm...
Let me just inform you of my purse contents right now. Three cum rags, a sock full of cum, xanax, and a fake moustache. This is my life.
I just found your spare underwear and the half eaten granola bar you left in my purse.
Gooodnight my beautiful sex angel. Much luvz for joo, etceteraz
Wow way to turn my death into an oppurtunity to get laid
You've fucked so many I should get a word bank when you make me guess these things.
IM SO HIGH RIGHT NOW, IM WHAT ROCKET MAN WANTED TO BE WHEN HE GREW UP. ELTON JOHN CAN BLOW ME.
I slept through 4/20 and my roommates bought an entire ham that's just sitting in the fridge...
So I've been spending my morning trying to figure out if there's a corealation between Wednesday margarita night and the boat that's now in my living room.
I'm deleting Tinder. I got there he rubbed my back and then proceeded to jerk off on me.
He and his ex stood there talking about going to get Chinese food while I was half naked searching for my panties
I'm pretty sure I broke my breathalyzer by breathing vaporized vodka into it.
i passed out in front of ihop...for the second night in a row. i think i need to reevaluate my life choices
Mom just walked in on a bj. IT'S WHATEVER.
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