So im pretty sure the object of my emotional onterest is tired of playing with me....
I'm going to fuck him so hard that his dick is going to fracture
Glad to see your being a lady about this
you probably have like 11 voicemails from us, one is us singing my heart will go on while were fucking
He deleted all his profile pics with her. It was like the bat signal for single women everywhere.
I woke up this morning with a pop tart under my pillow with one bite eaten. Another pop tart was in the floor. No recollection whatsoever. I ate the one under my pillow for breakfast, though.
Nothings harder than putting on a frozen condom.. or should I say softer
I asked him why the bed was wet and got.."well there are two options... and its not you."
thought a girl was checking me out today. took me like 5 minutes to realize it was a mannequin
you literally stared at me for three minutes and then said "hey this tequila isn't gonna drink itself, boss"
My sober self will be embarrassed tomorrow. For now I am laughing my ass off.
He smells like ham and a lifetime of poor choices
I told him I was going outside to throw up and I ended up passing out in the front yard in my underwear for 45 minutes. When I walked back inside he said "where have u been?". My husband ladies and gentlemen
So what happened at girls night? My roomate found me passed out locked out on the front steps of the house and it was raining. Yes low moment
Going to jail. Warrant. Be home late. For the love of god turn your ringer on.
I Projectile vomited a massive question mark on Brent's bedroom wall. Don't tell him it was me. I want him to play the whodunit game.
Randomize
