he made me salute his american flag boxers before i took them off
I need to stop coming to work sober
When I came home you were watching infomercials, eating croutons out of the box and salsa from a funnel. Well done.
The bartender just told me he would have me face down in his pillow by the end of the night. I hate when you make me go to gay clubs.
Everyone threw up but him. I took off my shirt because I puked on it. There were also a lot of drag queens involved.
I can feel my liver begging me to stop.
I didn't ask for a picture of your soft dick.
Some guy just showed up at my door to return my bikini top. EXPLAIN NOW
We were high as shit. We argued for like ten minutes about going to Dunkin Donuts and then just ended up rolling down hills. Thanks for the weed.
Just walked in on him banging another girl. He told me " sorry but I'm gonna finish now that I'm caught" ...... I think this is the reason god gave me four older brothers....
My 12 o'clock class is an all star team of my ex's hook ups
A dude I dated in high school just put a status about National Coming Out day. I checked his relationship status. He is dating a dude. Hello, Friday.
Let's be honest, I am pretty sketchy looking.
sober me needs to have more faith in drunk me.
I miss seeing you
i hope for the sake of your safety you were not with your girlfriend while sending texts like that at 3 am
Randomize
