I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
I just had to ask my dad for money to pay for my birth control. I've hit financial rock bottom.
I mean if she was naked in my room I would talk to her
This titty bar has wifi. I just did FaceTime stage side
WHERE ARE MY FUCKING EYEBROWS?!
It started out just like any other night: was watching a Zach Effron movie, drinking tequila out of a water bottle. I don't understand how this got out of hand.
We were naked in bed for hours and we didn't have sex. Either he's gay or he wants to respect me. Neither of which I approve of.
Dude made his own urinal by punching a hole in the wall and pissing in it rather than waiting in line. That is the stuff of legends.
People who don't like drugs and guac are not people I chose to associate with
He told me that he'd ride his snowmobile from Cincinnati to Toledo in this blizzard just so I could give him head.
Sometimes I refuse to go through a door until someone holds it open for me because I'm a fucking lady.
"Nobody needs to know that I have a vibrating butt plug and nobody needs to know that I'm probably gonna start wearing it at work"
dude new orleans is fucking wild these two guys just performed dueling banjos except they were actually fighting with the banjos
remind me again why we thought drinking hungarian moonshine was a good idea
If history is any guide, his morals are no match for my tits
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