I totally just used John Mayer's lyrics to get laid.
insurance, jail, and birth control were made for people like us.
I just saw a kid drop his lollipop on the floor of best buy, kick it because he was pissed off and then pick it up and eat it. I think I have a long lost son.
You were too busy being proud of your penis shaped pancakes to notice...
Apple trackpads and semen don't mix. On the way to the Apple Store.
What can I say? When alcohol is my motivation, I can move mountains.
New definition for "rock bottom": Waking up in a puddle of your own puke, missing your fake tooth. Then having to dig through said puddle of puke for aforementioned fake tooth. Think it's time I quit partying so hard.
Is this your way of breaking up with me as my wingman?
STD scares really help you understand the whole six degrees of separation thing...
I'm imaging you naked, covered in butter. And I gotta say, I'm not impressed.
I am not betting on the failure of any friend that is not you.
She's impossible to please. Other than with two fingers and a tongue.
I told a 250 pound football player I would catch him if he jumped into my arms. And that is how I broke my wrist
Dude. He almost took three different girls home, all while dressed up as Amy Winehouse. If he goes as Kurt Cobain next weekend, we're screwed.
I couldnt face her after that wonderful, terrible blowjob. Made a rope out of towels and climbed out her bathroom window.
Chaz got drunk and passed out so we superglued a kazoo to his mouth. Listening to him Panic when he woke up was fucking hilarious.
Randomize
