I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
Just watched my manager erase "we've been 2 days wo an accident" and change it to "0" these ppl are too high.
Seriously. You just grinded your ass all over the heisman trophy's dick. I want you to think about that.
I have now hooked up with 8 of the Apostles. I have no idea where I'm going to find a guy named Bartholomew.
No it's cool, He's been doing my English papers in exchange for lap dances since the eleventh grade. We're very professional.
Would be fun, plus since its in public I'll keep my penis in my pants
My roommate said I banged on the wall and said, "this dude eats pussy like a champ."
I have cobwebs on my vagina for halloween. And bats fly out when I open my legs.
Matt you can be anything you want to be. Including the awesome guy that brings pizza to a bunch of stoned and sorta drunk kids.
How drunk do you guys plan on getting?
We wrote our addresses on our arms for the cab driver, what do you think?
But lunch with my dad really just means an hour and a half of him telling me how he's disappointed and how he knows I'm on drugs
I thought he was foreign, but it turns out when you're that drunk, an Ohio accent just sounds Russian.
He is a real estate investor who’s face I’m going to sit on.
It's a classy one I promise! Their toilets are cushioned an tier wifi is named hummingbird
Why is there a pair of panties on my front lawn?
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