he made me stop in the middle of the blowjob to turn the tv towrds him. i then proceeded when he stopped me again to get him the remote. fuck me.
how does a 20 year old who hasnt gone through puberty yet score the game winning goal? fuck sidney crosby and his small nuts.
The bartender just started bringing me gin and tonic in a pint glass to save himself trips...
nothing worse than sitting down ready for a solid porn sesh to find out your internet is out. comcast owes me a handjob
On that note; HAPPY 21: THE SEQUEL from the back of an ambulance!!
The sound guy for the band told me id make a great valentines gift for his bisexual girlfriend
How do you get a black eye playing beer pong??
I will come over now to take full advantage of you in your vulnerable state.
Fine. I should warn you I just threw up in danas fish tank. Fish are dead. Livers dead. I smell and look like a dead animal. And not showering. So deal with it.
You're the only person that can successfully use titties and Jesus in the same sentence.
Ok roommate is officially weird. Just watched her microwave the same broccoli 3 times in a row and cry b/c she fucked it up. Wtf lol
Shes 18 and still has a curfew. it was great. didnt have to worry about her still being here in the morning.
I've been asked to reupholster their slam-couch so I found some off-cuts of medical-grade, hermetically sealed fabric. She'll be slammed upon for generations to come.
I just got caught impersonating a t-Rex by my boss. Sadly he wasn't fazed by my behavior and acted like it was normal.
His status said "sad." of course I liked it. I don't even care that I was the only one. Facebook isn't your god damn journal, we don't care about your problems.
If people had ratings on Tinder I'd give you 5 out of 5 stars.
Randomize
