literally followed a trail of condoms to the bus stop this morning. Ahh modern-day bread crumbs
i think a pirate just stole the rest of our fucking beer. what an appropriate costume.
Fell asleep in bio again. Sometimes i feel like college is just one really expensive nap.
You never realize how many sex toys you have until you have to strategically hide them while moving out of your dorm.
I fed the cats at 7 am, made her eggs, gave her oral, and now I'm helping her clean and baking her brownies. Cosmos got nothing on me.
He said I was trying to make the bouncer dance with me AS he was throwing me out
im pretty sure the clearest way to say "dont worry, im not emotionally attached" was by sleeping with his roommate the next night
I have their Unicorn picture in my shirt, and I just threw a Bud Light Platinum bottle through their window. We need to go now.
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
Jesus Christ. If I were a normal sex-having person, I'd think I was knocked up. I'm cycling through emotions like I'm in a decathlon to crazy.
I swear man, you fly across the country to give a boy your virginity and he suddenly thinks you like him
I offered him midol and told him "it always helps my period so maybe it'll help yours"
My FitBit tracked the calories I burned during sex. Hello 2015!
Note to Self: Never again eat a weed brownie by yourself two hours before a tornado warning in your exact location.
Honestly, you can’t tell the whole sorority he has a donkey dick and expect that no one would sleep with him after you broke up
Randomize
