if your phone is working sorry i called you at 2am. if it is not then i never called your phone at 2am
I'm so fucking pissed that I wasted my shooting star wish on him and his little penis.
You threw up in a Dixie cup last night. Oddly, you just gained major points in my book for that.
just threw all of the fireworks into the bonfire. thats why there are firetrucks.
Haha its ok. When we got back you sat in the car and attempted to tell me in sign language you were blacked out lol
Sorry I pulled the thermostat off the wall..
You called him your tasty little crouton. Which actually wasn't the weirdest part.
My Saturday dick is so much more impressive than my Tuesday dick.
I can't say "baby i'm to high to talk to you" in Starbucks.
Woke up this morning naked, wrapped in a bath mat with a wad of singles on the table. I'm calling it a win.
Apparently I'm a "fire hazard"
I may not have my dignity, pride or sanity but I have my pants.
Got kicked out of the club and woke up at a frat house. Good night? Couldn't tell you. I got a date out of it I'm glad someone thinks my drinking problem is cute.
So I got offered a job this morning based on being a "good role model for girls" and I am drunk at 330 in the afternoon in "celebration." sometimes, life is insane. But not so bad.
And then there was cum in my hair and he was making beans.
Randomize
