Bad news: I had to be at work at 7:15. Good news: no one had used the bathroom yet so I got to defile a freshly cleaned stall
im pretty sure you tried to fart so bad you accidently pissed your pants at my party.
I checked into jail on foursquare
I didn't think it was possible but there may actually be TOO MANY pictures of me tagged shotgunning.
How long does it take to cook a corndog over a candle?
The carpet cleaning people refuse to steam clean human feces. I'll call back later and blame it on the dog not you
In her drunkenness, she packed a bag with tequila, two shot glasses, salt, a knife, and two pears. She was prepared but too high to distinguish pears from limes.
He took off his priest costume and proceeded to dryhump the teletubby.
His friend still there? Be like "I need to see both of your dicks ASAP"
I woke up at like 4 am with an old Korean woman cuddling me. I assure you she was not there when I went to sleep.
He wore socks while I was giving him head. I couldn't even focus on his penis because of the socks.
I'm committing myself to dance. Also, I'm unsure if you said space party sounded lame because dude was old, but I hope you're over it because I love space, and I love David Bowie and I love to dance, and you need to embrace this with me.
I wasn't going to drink tonight, but was reminded this is the anniversary of prohibition being repealed. If I don't, then I am against my profession of bartending and anti-American, right?
I duct taped a bottle of vodka to the back of your closet while you were sleeping in case of emergencies. Go rip it off, it's going to be a long night.
I dont think you understand. A NOODLE FELL OUT OF MY VAGINA! I DEMAND TO KNOW WHAT YOU DID TO ME LAST NIGHT!
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