every time i drive by the road she lives on, i scream in the car "i'm sorry i'm sleeping with your boyfriend!" makes me feel less whore-y.
I need a sticker that says "It's no use hitting on me - I'm the plus one" Seriously, how do they think I got in in the 1st place?
Billy Mays is dead too!
Somewhat annoying American icons better be watching their backs
Not even the dog will look at me anymore.
he even offered to make my bed in the morning.
There are beer cans & oyster shells along the side of the road. I belong here
Apparently I grabbed her ponytail and cut it with an exacto knife.
Yeah, I think they knew. I smelled like that telltale combination of strippers and Easter.
Also, you peed on your hand last night. Id just like to point that out
My car windows are covered in lube. Happy 4th of July!
she opened a can of olives, drained the juice and poured ranch dressing in. oh and 'croutons' (saltines) on top...
She bit my shoulder during foreplay last night, and it's already infected. I think she has rabies.
shut up and let me use my vagina as a weapon of self destruction in peace!
This friendship isnt goin to work if you dont respond to my drunk texts
I can barely operate my hands; what makes you think I can operate my dick
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