We got so high we made milksteak
Maybe he just has a boisterous penis
I'm watching the Australian Open. They need to slow the fuck down. It's hard enough to follow sober and now it's just pissing me off.
Mom's drinking. Just asked her if she was good to walk back to the condo. She seemed unsure until she remembered she brought the GPS. We are 2 blocks from the condo.
you were stumbling around in your attic looking for all your swim team medals because you wanted to "feel like a champion."
Its 10:23 on a monday morning and im craving jello shots, this is a problem
How could you not respond to a text containing the words "goat man" ?!?
i want us to warm up up with us making out while i lay you down touching and feeling all the spots you know are going to get you warmed up. im gonna move down your body kissing every inch as i move down past your panty line ;)
Did you watch the carolina game tonight?
Some toppless girl just walked past me in the hall and gave me half a carton of smokes. I have never been more aroused.
You answered, dry heaved into the phone twice, & then hung up on me.
But what I'm actually thinking about is how everyone except me had sex on my bed this weekend and now I'm just sleeping in it with a 7 foot tall blue panda
Well now you know not to take drugs from your friends. Take it from stangers. They're more reliable.
I would not recommend douching while drunk.
Apparently I called down to the hotel front desk and begged them to bring us pizza. They brought us tea.
I need a rain check on breakfast. A frat boy said it was his dream to sleep with a MILF, I made his dream come true and he made me cum
There is no way I’m wasting 21 year old morning wood
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