i am sick of getting naked and seeing how fat i am.
You can only be slapped by Eastern European waitresses so many times. I guess they don't want my huge cock in their iron curtain
You were offering to spell people's name for a dollar.
This text is addressed to sober me: getting drunk by yourself may have seemed like a Good idea at first bit it can tell you that it wasn't ad fun as you thought it would be
Ps your lap top bag is FULL of empty beets
Awkwardly walking by your fuck buddy and waving a casual hi in his direction like nothing has happened is probably the best thing in my life
Feels like someone put a cigar out where my butthole used to live
It's either gonna be a cock in my mouth or a burger. You decide which.
Yeah, you gave me a condom that I 100% coulda used, then an hour later you basically beat the shit out of me and physically took it from my pocket.
That's a lot of people she's fucked in one picture.
Best day ever, my junk is bigger than Kate Uptons boyfriends. Yay for Fappening day!
Bottom line; if I'm coming out of my bat cave to do the dishes and get a chicken wing and I have no pants or makeup on and my messy bun looks more like Santa got leprosy and crashed his sled into the back of my head then let me be. That's all I'm saying.
Just shared a bacon biscuit with my cat.... Life is weird for me right now
#tbt to when you let me put plastic wrap on your balls and hum a little song
I knocked over his glass and he yelled "Oh no the boxed wine!" and slurped it off the coffee table. Then he showed me how to mix maple syrup, Jameson, and coffee. My family is better than your family.
He spilled some of his beer on your shoulder then proceeded to lick it off. By the face you made, I don't know if you were completely horrified or really turned on.
Randomize
