I woke up at 7am naked in my bathtub with the shower running. My apartment was so full of steam that my ceiling was dripping. Who thought it would be okay for me to get my own place, anyway?
Yeah, I tried playing the "see how long he can stay inside of me" game.. And I lost.
My 3rd grade teacher, who was also my fav, thought i was in prison. That seriously upsets me.
I didn't sleep with her. I'm boycotting arizona and she's from phoenix.
We banged through her entire lady gaga playlist. I can die happy now
He said to me this morning that we should finish these beers, go and get plan B then on the way back, go to the pub to celebrate the death of our baby. I love Manchester.
There is a contact in my phone named "Bar Mcntysu." this is why we need a third person to go out with us.
I had sex with her like 200 times, and she was only pregnant once, those are pretty good statistics.
Chick in class has 69 tattooed on the back of her neck. Target acquired.
Like I had to call my dad because I couldn't manage to unlock the door. And when he got there to open it I was climbing the gate to get in.
you were like "guys ... i think i got fingered while dancing tonight"
our poor poor cab driver
I'm like bob the builder except I'm fixing boners.
Not sure if I should ask if I can have my underwear back or just avoid that all together.
You tried to lick the lightbulb and fell off of the chair onto my wife and gave her a concussion. Did i mention you were naked?
My mom is worried I'm not eating enough protein so she's sending me 48 cans of tuna. That's not a typo.
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