it took everything i had not to yell out "your name means death in german!"
She was wasted. Kept yelling "what if I'm pregnant" and trying to push me into the tree. First and last time I bring a girl to my family christmas party.
the kid next to me in training is drinking sangria. its 9am here in case you couldnt calculate. its going to be a good year.
I wish I could just thrust my cock straight into her new relationship.
I'm really not interested in hearing from him. Unless there is casual sex involved
Also I've decided that I'm buying the next friend of mine who is dumb enough to get married a live porcupine as a wedding present.
Yoga may not b such a good idea for me today. My liver is obviously in cahoots with my colon to pay me back for the past 24 days of misuse . Downward dog could have catastrophic consequences.
You left wolverine marks
I'm somewhere between sorry and proud
No, seriously, I've slept with 3 guys this month.
It's ok, February is a short month
Not only did I get beyond cray cray this weekend. My body has nursed itself to plentiful and impeccable health. Fuck you world, I am back.
let me just inform you that suppository-ing xanax is glorious
Wore a burger king crown while giving head still drunk this morning #blessed
Look, he's a hot korean guy with a motorcycle and a great ass. I'm gonna do head-titingly kinky shit with him.
Drunk me really needs to stop 1. telling every attractive dude in a relationship that monogamy isn't real 2. Proposing threesomes with them and their girlfriends
Would you be opposed to me keeping a live lobster in the shower for a bit?
Randomize
