omg i can't drink anymore.. i just pulled up my dress and started playing with my vagina
phil was outside the bar last night, sitting on the ground playing songs on a guitar hero guitar to people walking by for money...best version of free bird ever
Just did a shot to pluto being a planet again. I love science.
She started crying. I don't think she's gotten head from a sax player before.
i left the icescrapper in his bathroom. i dont remember taking it there, but i remember brushing his hair with it.
Currently flirting with a 57 year old. Why do i do this
Liver, I have supported you for 18 fucking years. Pull your weight for ONE NIGHT and detoxify this alcohol.
I have a pocket in my purse that is just for condoms and cocktail swords. I feel like that speaks volumes about me as a person
You made out with a guy who refers to his cock as "rafiki." Are you proud of yourself?
I would lick a homeless mans crack teeth for a cup of coffee right now.
I don't think tequila will soothe the spots where my tonsils used to be.
Well that's the thing. He does want to take me out... To a strip club. I see this going down a very bad road but you know I'm going to go.
On way back. With a shopping cart. Minimal casualties.
I have a story for you. It involves waffles and getting naked with the local weatherman.
Put on my pants to go to work and discovered they had melted.
Randomize
