Seriously, stop peeing all over the toilet seat. It looks like movie theatre butter.
I feel that my census will not be the first census submitted soaked in beer
I realized we pick a president more often than I get a blowjob
I have fifteen cents in cash and 80 cents in the bank. BUT I have weed.
She was holding a turtle doing a beer bong out of a flower watering can.
You guys crashed sarahs vespa into a snowbank and its still there. not cool.
Walked girl from last night to car as gf was driving up. Got slow clap from neighbors.
She set fire to my carpet trying to power-dry puke covered cigs with Josh's blowtorch. How she found it in the garage is beyond me but if you bring her with you again I'll shoot you myself.
Happiness is the polar opposite of catching your dad watching holiday themed porn
I feel like death gave me a hand job
Getting drunk before noon on a Tuesday. When did this become my life? Did you know that a six-pack of Smirnoff is 2 liters?
The picture that pops up when I call her phone is a picture of my nipple. Just so you're forewarned.
Welcome to the difference between being FWBs (remember how we used to see who could get more lap dances a night?) and being in a relationship. Fun, huh?
I feel like I'm in a astronaut outfit like I'm a spaceman & I'm just floating around cause that's all you do in space is float and I'm floating to be in detail
Houston we have a problem
Drunk on wine at my parents house watching "RugRats In Paris". Comeatmeadulthood.
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