At the bar. Guy comes up wearing a hollister shirt and says "lets blow this popsicle stand"
You fucking left with him didn't you?!
i saw the 3rd guy i ever had sex with last night and kept calling him #3
I'm out of vodka and money. My semester is officially over. The way I see it, my finals are just forms I need to fill out in order to leave campus.
I apologize for excluding you. On a better note: the stripper that made out with my wife friend requested me on facebook
Idk man I'm just a giant talking marshmallow ready to be toasted and dipped in chocolate
Ginormous penis in the breeze, cumming champagne showers into your eye
We need to get you laid. Or i fear you might explode like a firework of sexual innuendos and unfulfilled erotic fantasies.
DON'T YOU TELL ME I HAVE HERPES ON MY BIRTHDAY. THAT IS MOST DEFINITELY NOT A HAPPY BIRTHDAY.
I ate pizza in bed, sans pants, and then carved a pumpkin. FUNCTIONING ADULT MOTHERFUCKERS!
That last one reminds me of the time we smoked that foot-long joint and by the time we'd finished we were so stoned we applauded it.
My husband was abducted by a group of disco dancers in the parde and danced off down the street. If you see him, tell him to Hustle on home and clean the cat box. #MardiGras
Hypothetically speaking how does one remove a lamp that they hypothetically superglued to the ceiling?
Acetone nail polish remover, and you lied about studying last night didn't you?
Oh definitely.
yeah, but I wanna be the girl that makes him realize he's 100% gay
Alright, I've had enough of this good girl shit. Tonight you either blackout or backout.
Had to trim my nails cus they got too long to effectively finger myself with
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