if you find a joe biden blowup doll in the attic, I call dibs
Come in. Grab a controller and a beer. We've got some Madden to beat.
You're the best girlfriend ever.
i wanna make it FB official so he cant fuck anyone else. but that means i can't fuck anyone else either. CONUNDRUM
You were sitting at the bus stop holding hands with some Polish girl you just met, who was just as drunk as you were, and you kept trying to light your Kit Kat and smoke it.
This girl has a second refrigerator that she uses JUST for liquor, her kitchen chairs are kegs AND she can grill. I'm not coming back.
I was just on craigslist and saw and ad for a naked yoga instructor. I will no longer be jobless.
like stop trying to get a relationship out of this when i'm clearly in the drunken mistakes part of my life.
I.V.'s should just be available for purchase at Walmart. God I'm dehydrated.
Yes he was puking but in the only light of the whole parking lot and he was resting in the patch of clovers and he just was a garden fairy
I went up by the border of Canada. We took shrooms and went fishing...pretty sure we killed a dragon and ate it for dinner
Dude, I'm not going to use a butt plug.
Just convinced a housekeeper at work to set up her 401k. Gotta start hittin the gb every morning before work. Happy 420
I thought you were dead but then you asked me if your tits looked good. They did.
I'm taking pictures of my asshole to send to my boss. This is not what I had in mind the day after thanksgiving.
i just woke up from a 4 hour nap, still drunk, to make mac n cheese.
Randomize
