And then I said "flip over. I want to show you something i learned in Afghanistan."
I would drag my balls through a mile of broken glass to eat pudding out of her anus
We fucked twice, I went to the bathroom to freshen up, and came back to him playing "Your Body is A Wonderland" on his guitar naked in my bed.
So while she was giving me a lap dance I told her I quit med school. Just so she didn't feel like the only one who's made bad decisions in their life.
so i was eating a special k bar this morning for breakfast and started choking on it so i reached into my bag for water turns out it was liquor.
Yes I have a handle on life. A handle of Svedka.
I just added a bunch of arbitrary options to my ouija board. Ghosts can now tell me "cheddar," "the homosexual agenda," "the whole foods vegan aisle," or "viable offspring"
You know what I realized today? That my biggest regret of freshman year was ditching you and that foam party to have a one night stand with a skinny jean wearing vocal major.
I am concerned for your priorities but also really flattered. Flattery wins
My sunday was babysitting three big, drunk, crying Swedes. Unless your day involved four or more giant drunk swedes I don't want to hear about it.
GUESS WHO STILL HAS BOTH NIPPLES!
I just want to have sex and eat dumplings. Is that so much to ask?
for not the first time in my life, my clothes are covered in piss and i'm standing in line waiting to buy pedialyte at a convenience store
I made an executive decision to rename my Resume file to something other than MONEYMONEYMONEY.
don't let your emotions get tangled in that sexy beard of his.
i woke up this morning with a fake eyeball in my pocket
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