dude, that chick is coming to see me and stay for 2 nights. I'm hitting the 3rd in the trifecta of friends.
You're one hell of a depraved bastard dude, I'm borderline speechless. You officially win.
They all have matching tattoos so they're all official bffs. I love my life.
so he let me use one of the toothbrushes that came in his daughters 4 pack, purple glittery toddler toothbrush, the next time i came back his wife has used their label maker and put my name on it...
The view from the bathroom floor this morning is fabulous
I feel like a great embryo-shaped weight has been lifted off my shoulders.
It ended with me crying and eating pizza in my closet.
He told me that a camel appeared out of nowhere and it told him to quit smoking...
college stoner meal of the day: microwaved nutrigrain bars
Did you miss the part about my hangover needing a day to rest?
Just realized I used a picture of my little sister to holler at a guy, only 3 months old and she's already my wingman.
I can't find the remote or the Doritos. Someone call 911. S.O.S. I sent this in Braille.
That moment that random you banged behind the bar is going to be your son's third grade teacher... yup I'm there.
Goddamn right, I may not survive the apocalypse, but my eyebrows fucking will.
There’s an entire generation of people out there who didn’t grow up watching Mr. Rogers and it shows. These Boomers need to get their shit together.
ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME! I SAID I WANTED SOMEONE CLASSY AND INSTEAD YOU SET ME UP WITH A GUY THAT JUST TOLD ME HIS FAVORITE PLACE TO FUCK IS ON HIS SWAMPBOAT “THE SLAMHOG!”
I DON’T WANT TO FUCK IN A SWAMP
First of all, his AIR boat is named “Slam Hog” not “The Slamhog.” Second, it’s top of the line. Third, don’t dismiss swamp sex before you try it!
So you realized he wasn't actually cheating on you and now you're trying to unfuck things. Or in this case unfuck Tom.
Randomize
