dude facebook disabled my account because im registered under a false identity. now in order to get it back, i have to prove that it's really my name. i sent them an email and had to sign it "Cordially, Lloyd Pancakes"
Decided to write a book called "girls don't poop and other myths I wish I still believed in"
Apparently married women at the office don't like getting congratulated on getting "knocked up"
I mean, it really isn't YOUR car until you have sex in it.
jersey shore has given me a vivid depiction of what things will be like for me once i get to hell
Just facebooked the guy whose name you're yelling in there. So you're aware, his interests include "swearing at babies" and "Ice luge"
Im about to shotgun a beer using my mother's knitting needles. home sweet home.
Also, ran into my neighbor across the street. He told me about scheduling his vasectomy. We are officially way beyond the acceptable point for asking his name again.
don't pay it forward
I eont pay shit forward. told a stranger to call an abulance and peaced
Apparently I really was petting a bunny named lazarus in Jimmy Johns last night.
Apparently I blacked out and started wrestling with some dude last night. Just found out I might have dislocated his shoulder. Best part: he still wants to bone me
so you 69ed him in the parking lot of your apartment
yah I won't allow him in my apartment
honestly the most stressful part of moving is the chance my mom will find my vibrator
If I'm gonna have a rotation of guys, I really should stop them leaving boob bruises...
How drunk were you? in an effort to seduce him, you demonstrated your lap dance skillz on his dog.
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