I cockslap morals
he was walking around the bar drinking wild turkey and gobbling simultaneously
at the gym hungover with vodka in a water bottle. don't say i'm not fulfilling my resolutions
Im really high right now and the vending machine is broken and giving out free candy. Please kill me, my life will never get better than this
so...he totally just used scissors to cut up the weed. a wet paper towel to moisten the blunt....and a blow dryer so it wouldn't be wet. this dude either has the worst case of OCD or has the potential to be the next martha stewart.
He's spent his last 3 years working at Urban Outfitters. No, I'm not sad I missed out on a life of mustaches, the dollar menu and shitty scarves.
I put bits of fruit cocktail in the jello shots i made because i knew that they were gonna be the only thing we ate all day
Because he's your one night stand I shouldn't feel obligated to extend social media to him
Nothing says I'll be 22 tomorrow like washing the vomit out of your hair at 4pm
He just texted me saying "you've got a face that suggests you give really good head". Is this a compliment? Do I say thanks?
conclusion from last night: i should wear boob glitter more often
Go makeout with Mickey Mouse so we can get FastPass tickets
I have bruises all over my legs. Did I hit a car with my bike last night?
Sorry I missed your call. I was in the shower washing away my sins and sweat. Please tell me you want to get drunk as shit later.
had to remind myself that killing him is not a good career move AGAIN.
Randomize
