No matter what you may say to me. You will still be the guy that managed to get his own cum in his hair.
There's an australian, my relationship has no hope.
OMG stoned with flashing lights behind me, I was freaking out until I realized I wasn't driving my couch
He told me he's not in to anal. I need to marry him, ASAP.
Sometimes familiar penis is best. Its like comfort food for your vagina.
So the first 4 hours of my morning was equivalent to seeing under water. Things were starting to get better until I remember I drank mustard for free stuff and flossed my teeth with a strand of hair from a stranger in the bathroom.
Just gave a blow job while wearing a shirt that says 'world's coolest mom' idk how my conscience feels...
shes wearing an ankle tracker so she should be easy to find
I just watched this dude try to convince this girl to go home with him. She was like, That's cute, you're cute.and she just walked away. Man I'm so not drunk enough to be around this level of sad.
I tried to order champagne at IHOP last night
I have never thoroughly inspected the geometry of my nipples until now. How do I fix this?
driving home hungover today was like a life test..it was like the goblet of fire
I smoked a joint in the bathtub at 8 am then went back to bed
I ate too many pot brownies and passed out topless with my boobs painted like the American flag
I kept falling all over the place and yelled at the bouncer you can't kick me out I'm from Texas.
Randomize
