I read the police report. You asked the cop if you could use his in-car computer to update your facebook. No way you get out of a DUI.
you were licking his little sister's watercolors and trying to paint with your tongue.
I woke up with a Nike swoosh shaved into my chest hair. my friend got 3 stitches. my phone had a text that simply read "fuck you". I say it was a good party.
i mean i should have known that when i started taking shots with my zumba instructor i was in for a rough night...
I just made a steamroller out of a christmas ornament. I feel so festive.
I found a fried uncrustable on the table from last night.
She's trying to figure out what kind of dinosaur I am... Yay codeine.
officially christened the dorm room by sucking my spilled drink off the floor. tastes like homee
You were talking about masturbating on the phone then said you had to go because golden girls was on then you called me back saying you seen that episode already.
thank god we only have to drink eggnog and rum once a year. It taste like shit.
Thoughts of banging the girl who just opened my beer with her teeth?
When I took off my jeans he became more excited about my Elmo underwear than sex but to be fair, who can blame him. They're awesome undies.
just like fucking own it. stare that cop in the eye and just keep masturbating "yeah motherfucker Im high as shit and this feels great"
Wait... so you had sex and then your ear drum ruptured? I'm not sure if I want to ask if the two are related...
Remind me to tell you about this weekend with them. It was the least fun I have ever had drinking. And I have thrown up pork and beer through my nose on the side of the freeway.
Randomize
