Blowing lines off from the book where the wild things are... bad babysitter?
Dude, just paid my sister in vicodin to go out and buy me a slushie.
I want a coyote to ride back and forth to the bathroom because walking is getting old
If sitting in the car passing a flask back and forth because the bar we go to is having some power issues on Christmas eve isn't Christmas spirit, then I don't know is.
My dad got me a charm braclet....his way of trying to support my gayness....
I just let my hand run under cold water for five minutes. I couldn't stop staring at it and the only things I could think about were how amazing it felt, how cool water was, and what a wonderful world it is that we live in. Reasons why I don't smoke...
Good news. I heard back from the doctor and I don't have a liver problem.
...yet.
I'm turning twenty & the only honorable way to exit my teens is by slapping the fuck outta the bag. You better be in.
You gotta start bringing a flask to work so you can get a head start
Possibly a very genius or very terrible idea...
Best part about a crippling state-wide drought? Actually having a valid excuse for not showering
Wow. Last night.
I knew you were shit blasted when you called me your "sunflower queen"
Well, I dont really know how much penis you have at your disposal so I cant be sure
dude, last night I won a real sword and a bottle of vodka in a cards against humanity tournament
Please tell your sister I apologize about saying her baby may have beef curtains. That was inappropriate.
How is it that 364 days a year I'm the adult, but on Halloween you completely forget how to have fun and become my grandma?
Randomize
