I woke up to him trying to put his dick in my mouth. When I asked him what he was doing he said he was trying to make me stop snoring...
I never said you were fat, just too fat for ME
New drink name: the Vermont Douchebag. Take shot of maple syrup, drop into cup of jager, bomb.
omg a stripper jus od'd on stage.
My mom is purposely blasting Shania Twain downstairs so I can't jack off.
Sometimes I send them texts like "I want to make you cry and lick up your tears" just to fuck with them. And THAT is how you get rid of a Stage 5 clinger.
FOund a bunch of old fireworks spring cleaning.
Who is our new insurance provider?
I accidentally sent him a snapchat of my boobs and now we're going on a date tomorrow... Could be worse.
Stoned stonnnnnnned on the raaaaange
Do I get bonus points if I get lockjaw after a cosmic blowjob?
I wanna get high and watch Shrek tonight...don't make me do it alone.
I'm gonna play eenie meenie at the bar tonight because it's women's day and I deserve the dick
In Punta Cana for my bachelor trip, hopefully tomorrow my passport is blacklisted
Dude, I totally just made my launch phrase on my new phone "Wingardium Leviosa" so that when people try it and it doesn't work I can say, "It's leveeOHsa, not leveeoh-SA."
i feel like you should know pants are always optional
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