dear santa what can i do with your candy cane?
I just saw a hot homeless man
She guessed my name 9 times, and 5 of those times she guessed Mike. Figured that'd be an easy target for the night.
I just wanna not walk straight. Is that too much to ask for?
Totally using formspring as an incognito way of making sure that girl from last night wasn't jailbait.
The twins are whispering in turkish together. I think I did something bad last night.
Less talking, more tequila
I put an asterick after the names of people in my phone that I've fucked. Both as a form of bragging, and also so I can actually remember all their names.
He pulled his pants down and said blow me, while passing out on my bed. I then pulled his pants up as he continuously started moaning in the background.
Apparently campus cops frown on lighting a joint off of the eternal flame on Jerry Falwell's grave...
She's going to hate me
Yeah well one of her many personalities always hates you.
The rest will just start to agree
I was about to share my drunken story from the weekend, but two friends getting married and one finding out she's pregnant makes Saturday in jail look a little suspect.
I'll admit it. It was a bad idea to sneak a fart out while she was taking a nap. Can you bring me a pair of underwear from my dresser. Preferably the one with the walruses in party hats one.
fuck you I'm eating salad I can't be drunk.
I just had sex a few hours ago now i'm eating frozen yogurt making sex plans for tonight while catching Pokémon. What a time to be alive.
Randomize