Just spun two beer bottles and Placed them in my pockets perfect... I feel like the clint eastwood of drunks
you texted me last night and told me you couldn't find the toilet.
That explains the puddle of pee in my closet.
I wish that vaginas would just grow when you're ready for sex. Like when you dont need your vagina its not there, but when you need it...BAM its there. then no one would see it when you get drunk
yeah...or you could just stop doing cartwheels in skirts
I'm sitting in the drive through at Mcdonalds right now watching the workers pressure wash the vomit I left from last night.
THEY SHOULD WARN YOU WHEN THEY MAKE JELLO SHOTS WITH JACK DANIELS!!! THEY SHOULD WARN YOU!!!!!!!
You were yelling at the cops across the street saying they were at the wrong party
My niece just called my sister in law a teabagger. I love NPR and it's corrupting influence on small children
This is why I need to move out...so my naked vomit covered walk of shames to the bathroom are only witnessed by one other person who is equally as pathetic as me and the cat
He told me that if I were a guy he'd go gay for me. Honestly don't know how to take that.
yeah...that's gonna come up in court
Wear whatever you want, I'm wearing ass-less chaps and a sombrero
Is it really bad that my last patient offered to fuck my brains out if I gave her IV morphine...and I gave her my phone number and told her when my shift is over?
Sent him a snap chat of him eating me out so he can relive the moment.
I want to fling myself into the sun
Okay everything with a penis is officially dead in my eyes
Randomize
