i can totally tell he's high. he's having a conversation with my dog.
So apparently I told him I was off to go "whore skipping" and I disappeared into the night skipping down the street. I know this because there's video.
just saw a girl throwing up in a taco bell nacho cantainor going 60 down the highway
Still waiting. He said he'd call between 2 and 10... apparently he's like the Comcast of drug dealers.
I think I breastfed the cat at some point during the night, at least that's what my nipples are saying
Just passed on a threesome. I'm too old for that kind of morning after.
i can't believe you were mixing vodka with green tea last night and enjoying it.
i should bottle and sell it. my slogan could be "green tea vodka. antioxidating while intoxiacting. your liver will thank you. "
We lived together for a year and neither of us knew we were both gay.
it's like his penis is God's way of saying "sorry about his face"
If i ever start ordering tequila again please tackle me to the ground and steal my wallet
You casually put your finger in my ass and other people are weird..
For the record you're a very classy lady and your love for and mastery of strap-ons is amazing. I would gladly marry you and father your offspring
I just walked across town, stoned off my ass and barefoot in 35 degree weather for him to bust five mins in and then apologize 13 times as I got dressed.
all I remember is screming at her "I want you and your tortillas... DEAD"
I mean she's doing calculus in her head to prove how NOT drunk she is.
Randomize
