I don't do stupid things anymore. I do stupid people.
Last night was a blur. All I remember is jizzing in the squeegee bucket at a gas station.
The look on the soccer mom's face was PRICELESS.
i hope chris hansen doesn't have a boat
just saw bouncers outside a coffee shop. beginning to question humanity.
something had to give and with her weight the coffee table never stood a chance
i was wearing footie pjs. how could there be confusion as to who i hooked up with, thats not something you forget
He corrected my use of grammar... I think we both know that means i have to sleep with him
The blow job award ceremony was a little much. You guys didn't need to call out what happened the night before.
What? How can you say that? You won!
I seriously had alll four of your knuckles bruised into my arm
My boyfriend's brother just got out of jail and he is already telling us to steal cable. Dude.
It's gotten to the point that when I close my eyes to cum all I see is candy crush
Go to a building you've never been before and take a shit. It's marvelous
New low: eating a buttered roll while taking a shit.
This is why we're soulmates.
Life should not be this hard with a dick this big.
By the way, you're like fucking spiderman. I've never seen someone climb out of a car window that fast and eloquently.
Randomize
