I'd rather watch my mom take a shit while reading the sunday new york times than watch mama mia .
o shit let me call u back theres a hamburger in my pocket
I just don't understand how my upright asian catholic roommate is getting more than me.
Dating my ex's drug dealer.. best. revenge. ever.
96 perecent sure i just took a shower with socks
He's at the gym. He likes to get high and swim cause it makes him feel like a fish.
There's a pair of socks on the bar. No-one's questioned this.
Fourth time I had to be woken up in the line of Whataburger in two weeks. First time my shirt was free of vomit.
I just feel like a girl who's never eaten a pb&j probably doesn't swallow
being pregnant is like rehab
Don't talk to me about scholarly dedication until you've taken a final in boxers, a bloody tank top and a zip tie to hold your hair back. I wear the most sullied 4.0 crown of all time....
Okay so, sorry but last night we had to put a note on your chest and a key around your neck just so you would make it home.
We gotta locate my vibrators and get them stashed away STAT
Are you really trying to argue your case that you seduced my cat?
Still had our rainbow strip poker new years tradition. End of night we were only wearing mask.
Did you get the usual surprise pics from the strange straight you like to sprinkle in.
Randomize
