I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
Bret has after-school detention for writing Brianna has a stinky vag on the ground at recess.
Can you deep fry cheerios do you know? crucial question
i said she could sleep in my bed and she goes "iiiiiiii warned you. iiiiim a cuddlerrrrrr!" slightly regretting this..
he seriously made his penis a facebook.
I was scoping hash out of our weed jar with a spoon and I realized we need to buy actual utensils. This plastic shit is killing me I've broke 3 spoons
50 year old business women like dick too. Come on she said you looked like Ricky Martin.
I just put on eyeliner and a diff shirt in case the pizza guy is cute. This is what my dating life has come to
Nothing like pulling a bottle of vodka out of your purse at 7am in the security line to make your fellow passengers uncomfortable...
First time at a gay bar. I found a surrogate AND sperm donor! The surrogate is straight, so it evens out.
Every time I someone I meet again from that wedding it turns into the "Oh your the guy who puked in the hallway and passed out in front of the elevator."
last night on the strip the guy screamed at you YOU GOTTA WORK ON YOUR CALVES.
No more twerking this week. I think I dislocated a boob.
Feels like I ran a marathon last night. A tequila marathon.
They told him he could only pay in monopoly money and he pulls out a wad of it from his pocket... i think im in love
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